Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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