I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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