she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So here I am, sexting at work.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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