i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
