Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
