i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
