i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
