Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
