So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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