jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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