apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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