Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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