what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
