Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
