We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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