A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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