I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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