My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
