Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
