nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
