I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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