I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
