Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
