I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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