i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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