My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I did not marry a roomba.
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