my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize