I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
