It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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