It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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