I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
