This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
