You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize