I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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