she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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