dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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