Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
