i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
