i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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