i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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