If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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