I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
