you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
