I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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