I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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