I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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