so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
