I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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