I think scott just propositioned me for sex
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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