I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize