i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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