Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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