I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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