Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize