when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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