so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
